"I'm tired." She said, tears welling up in her eyes, as she took another sip of her coffee.
We sat at the table in silence; she staring into her coffee and me looking at her. I didn't know what to say to her, I prayed for God to give me words of comfort for her, but nothing came. Maybe she just needs me to listen.
After a long pause, she took another sip of her coffee, put her cup down and looked me in the eye. I could see the traces of sleepless nights on her face. The circles under eyes made her look older than she was and the puffiness told me she had been crying.
"Why can't I get it right? Why do people always leave me? Am I that unlovable?" She looked away, gazed out the window and I could see a new tear forming at the corner of her eye. "I give it my all, I try to be the perfect person. No matter what I do it is just never enough."
I have known her for a long time. She came from a broken home, abandoned by her father. She married at a young age to an abusive husband, who eventually left her and her children. After two failed marriages, a couple failed relationships, a most recent heartbreak, and years of struggle, my friend sat in front of me and confessed she can no longer go on. "Something has got to give!" She said in a barely audible whisper.
My friend didn't see herself as others saw her. She always saw herself as someone who is... less than. But, what I saw was a strong woman. A beautiful, compassionate, woman. She always has a smile on her face, she loved extravagantly, anyone who came into contact with her became an instant friend. She was beautiful on the inside and out. Everyone noticed her. This always surprised me when she felt as though she were invisible.
I wanted to tell her it is not that she is unworthy, she just chooses unworthy people to give her heart to. I know she does this because she does not see her own worth and what a treasure she really is.
I take her by the hand and I look into her eyes, her beautiful sad eyes. I can feel my own heart breaking for her.
"Don't you ever for a minute think you are unworthy." I firmly tell her. "You are so precious to Him, you are a treasure in His hands. Yes, others have left you and hurt you. But, my dear friend, He will never leave you. He is not angry with you. He has a plan and a purpose for you. Your vision has been clouded, you have not been able to hear Him because of the voices in your own head, but this does not mean He is not near. He has seen everything that has been done to you, and He has seen everything you have done. But, He forgives you, He loves you, and He wants you to give your burdens to Him. He wants you to trust Him with your cares, your anxieties, and your dreams."
I want to tell her to take her eyes off people and focus on Him, because I know her wounds go so much deeper. Only He can touch the depth of her wounded soul and bring the healing she cries out for. But I also know it will require her to completely trust Him and to be vulnerable again. Her trust has been shattered so many times from trusting the wrong people, I wonder if she will even be able to open up and receive His healing for her.
Our conversation shifts to the surface, because this is where she feels comfortable. We talk about our jobs, the weather, the children, anything and everything to not have to talk anymore about the discomfort and pain she is feeling. Both of us are only half way in the conversation, going through the motions of not addressing the obvious need she has.
Thirty minutes later I am watching her through my rear mirror as she drives off. I sit in my car, silent, thinking about the conversation with my friend. And I pray for her. I pray for God to reveal Himself to her and to show her who she is in Him. I pray the motions of joy she portrays to the outside world become real joy. I pray for her deliverance and that she would turn away from anyone who is not Gods best for her. May she be so focused in the revelation of His love for her, that she will never settle for anyone or anything that is less. Oh, that she would come to the understanding her past is not her future. She is accepted by the true lover of her soul.
Yes, my friend, you are beautiful. You are beautiful because you belong to Him. We live in a fallen world filled with broken people. It was never His plan for us to be hurt, abused, overlooked, rejected. But it happens, sometimes by other people and sometimes through our own choices. The consequence can feel unbearable and suffocating, but it does not have to be the death of us.
Oh, my broken friend, lay yourself at His feet. He will lift you up and in His arms you are safe.
Be Free & Stay Free
A love lost is never easy. The depth of the wound can shake you to the core. You are faced with the reality the dreams you shared will not come to pass; at least not together. The place in your heart that was occupied by the one person, is now vacant. And everyday is a struggle to retrain your mind to not think about them, to plan without them, to let the chapter close. It is hard to imagine this death of a relationship will ever bring forth new life.
Remember, God is always close to the brokenhearted. He will bind up your wounds and bring healing. This time of grieving is temporal. Do not stay there. Though it may feel like it, your grief will not swallow you up. Reach your hand out and call on Him Who truly loves you and will never forsake you.
Do not seek to cast blame, take what was good and leave what was not behind. Walk in forgiveness. We are human; unfortunately in our humanity we do cause, and experience, hurt. Do not seek to self medicate the pain you are feeling. Take it to the Lord. Let Him minister to you through intimate relationship with Him. Only then will you find the healing, wholeness, comfort, forgiveness, and release.
The place reserved just for Him cannot be filled with another and He will never vacate it.
This too shall pass. You will laugh again, you will trust again, and you will love again. You are worthy of love.
Let your eyes be upon Him, take refuge in Him, and He will not leave your soul destitute.
Psalm 141:8
Be Free & Stay Free
Hand a little girl a mirror after telling her how beautiful she is and she will see a princess peering at her through her own reflection. Years later, hand her a mirror and she may see something entirely different. What she sees in the present moment is a reflection of her past.
Our mental ability to recreate images from the past enables us to reinterpret them. If the image is distorted, our "view" will be distorted. Our reality is based on our own perception and it will be as looking into a carnival mirror if our perception is not based on Gods truth.
Most of us remember the childhood story of The Jungle Book, about a young boy, Mowgli, who was raised by wolves in the Indian Jungle. Through a series of events, Mowgli stumbles into a human village and is adopted by a human family. But, he has a hard time adapting to the "human life." Being raised by wolves, he did not see himself as a human boy, he saw himself as a wolf. He was a human that acted like a wolf. Living with the wolves did not change who he was, it changed who he thought he was.
Do you know who you are, or are you like Mowgli? Has the past, and/or your present circumstance, distorted your view of who you really are? Call a child a wolf long enough and he will begin to believe it and act like a wolf.
Dust your mirror off and shower yourself in His Word. If you want to know who you really are, you must know He is and who you are in Him.
You are so much more than what the human eye and mind can understand. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made; created with a purpose.
Praise Him, for you are fearfully and wonderfully made, marvelous are His works.
Psalm 139:14
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine.
Isaiah 43:1
Have you fallen into agreement with the lies that have been spoken over you? Perhaps you have even spoken those lies yourself? The power of life and death is in our words. Begin to speak His truth.
Separate yourself from who/what tears you down. It is OK to set boundaries. It is OK to love someone from a distance. Surround yourself with people who care about you and saturate yourself in His word. Release those that have hurt you, walk in forgiveness. I know this is not always easy, but it is for your good. Forgiveness does not right a wrong, but it will free you from the bondage that holds you .
You were created for so much more. Get out of the mud and let Him break the chains that keep you bound. Only through Him will you find healing. Only in Him will you find yourself. There is no substitution.
So, when those thoughts come in, when the lies try to invade, hold it up to the truth of His Word. Begin to say, "Thus say the Lord...."
Then when you look in the mirror, you will not see the distorted image as in a carnival, you will see Him. You will see His reflection in you and you will marvel how beautiful is His creation and His creation is you.
You are His beloved.
Be Free & Stay Free
Psalm 37: says to delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart and Proverbs 3:6 says in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
So all of us who have had the veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord-who is the Spirit-make us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image.
It is about relationship with the Lord. As we cultivate our relationship with Jesus, by spending time with Him, (because time is how we build relationship) we begin to see His love for us and because of His love, we fall more in love with Him.
The more we know Him, the more we trust Him. We can trust that He loves us perfectly, completely, and unconditionally. We have no reason to fear anything, because we know that not only is He able, but He is willing, to provide our every need and to care for us.
Love is not self seeking, it's not selfish. When we love, we put others first, above our own needs and wants. As we are being conformed into His image our desires begin to line up with His desires. Our hearts begin to beat in sync with His heart. So what was once so important to us begins to change and we begin to see with His eyes. We begin to lose our selfish motives and we learn to trust Him to work things out for our good, to benefit us and others, and to bring Him glory.
There was a woman (read 2 Kings 4:8-37) who had a servants heart. She recognized a man of God and she served him; she did this from her heart. She served without selfish motives and her service was recognized and rewarded. She delighted in her service to the man of God, it was her service to the Lord.
The woman had no children. We can imagine (from v.16) that it was her desire to have a child and she had reached a place of understanding and submission to God (v. 13) that her service was solely to serve and honor God.
I imagine, before she reached the place of v.13, of acceptance of His will and trust in Him, she probably spent time, and many nights, crying out to God for a child. When she did not conceive, she submitted to His will and relinquished her own. We know she did not become bitter or turn away from her faith because v.9-10 reveals the attitude of her heart.
Have you reached that place yet? Have you laid down your desire, your agenda, placed it on the alter and committed to 'not my will, but Your will'?
It's natural, when we want something, to try to manipulate things to bring it about. We plot and plan and obsess in attaining it; whatever that "it" may be. We may even deceive ourselves into thinking it is God's perfect will for us. When we spend more time acquiring "it," we spend less time on seeking Him to know if it's really His best for us. We hinder the supernatural move of God.
We may strive so hard to get "it" that we don't realize we are not ready for "it" when "it" comes.
(Romans 5:1-6) We can rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. We know that perseverance produces character; and character, hope. Hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given us.
When we align ourselves with God's will, when we can submit our wants to Him, and trust that He will bring it to pass; if the desire, vision, came from Him; then we can truly be conformed into His image.
Habakkuk 2:3 reminds us the vision is for an appointed time, it will come to pass. We can trust Him, if it's from Him, He will complete the work that He has begun.
As we can learn from the Shunammite woman, when she gave her desire to God, focused on Him, He gave her the desire of her heart. And when we know it is from Him, no bad report will move us, we will not give way to doubt; we trust Him.
It is all in His timing, for your benefit and to His glory.
Be free and stay free.
